Dr. Jackie Gives Audacious Life-Changing Advice (Guest Column)


L.A.-based drag legend Jackie Beat does it all. Comedy, music, variety; she even just got animated Scooby Doo-style in the latest promo for Hulu’s “Huluween Dragstravaganza” special, in which she co-stars alongside a bunch of fellow queens and queer icons (see below). Now she’s counseling the community, offering mental guidance for our troubled times via her new TV show Dr. Jackie: Unlicensed Psychotherapist. The 6-part comedy series premiered on OUTtv on September 19 and has been debuting brand new episodes every Monday. The last new episode comes out next week, Oct. 24, and all six episodes will be available to stream after that.

An “unlicensed psychotherapist,” who studied “online,” Beat is never the less, a brilliant mind when it comes to helping others… at least she thinks so. She claims to use “role-play, primal scream techniques, ink-blot tests, and puppets” as part of her work, but clearly, tough love and laughter (still the best medicine) drive her “practice” as she attempts to solve society’s mental ills and struggles.

On her show, co-starring fellow comedy queen Sherry Vine as her assistant, Beat assists an array of celebrity patients with their woes including Margaret Cho, Cassandra “Elvira” Peterson, John Cameron Mitchell, Alec Mapa, Alaska Thunderfuck, Katya, Bianca Del Rio, Monét X Change and Trixie Mattel, to name a few.

We asked the venerable stage performer and now self-proclaimed life problem solver to share her wisdom with LA Weekly readers in the form of a “Dear Abby”-style guest column. After putting out word on social media, we got back some truly compelling questions and situations for Dr. J to weigh in on. Enjoy this enlightening and therapeutic question and answer sesh, and watch Beat’s show via the Roku Channel or Apple TV, and Hulu’s Huluween Dragstravaganza on the streaming network, now.

 

Dear Dr. Jackie,

I am a woman in my late 40s looking for advice on a subject that I am sure you are familiar with, The Menopause. My question is how do I deal with the mood swings, the hot flashes, lack of libido and weight gain? As you can imagine, all of this affects my self-esteem. Any advice from your personal experience will be much appreciated!

–Sandy Savory

Dear Sandy,

I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. What exactly is this “menopause” of which you speak? I really wish I could help you but I’m afraid the simple truth is that I am far too young. And male.


Dear Dr. Jackie,

First off, you and Lady Bunny as mummies in the Huluween Dragstravaganza were so campy and fun!

–Rob Detrick

Dear Rob,

First off, thank you! Secondly, this is an advice column not merely a place for people to compliment me. Did you see what I did there? I followed up my “first off” with a “secondly.” If you are merely making one point (that I am hilarious and talented and very generous and altruistic to include my not-so-hilarious and less-talented friend Lady Bunny in a project) then there’s really no need to begin your letter with “first off.” I know this falls into more of the category of grammar as opposed to mental health, but I hope it helps!


Dear Dr. Jackie,

I’m looking for some excitement out of life. Do you know of any good cults that could spice up my life a little? I’m a 51 year-old Trans woman who loves animals, classic films & having a good time. Please help me!

–Toni Omnipotent1

Dear Toni,

We’re all looking for a little excitement in our dreary lives. If sitting around being Trans while watching boring old movies with your stinky pets ain’t cutting it anymore I would suggest perhaps taking a pottery class at your local community college or maybe volunteering at a homeless shelter. Do not – I repeat – DO NOT join a cult! Cult leaders are not only terrible in bed, but they’ll steal all your money. If that’s all you’re looking for, hell, you could just date me.


Dear Dr. Jackie,

I’m slowly approaching 50 and I fear that an impending mid-life crisis is about to commence. I dread that I may want to pursue a more glamorous lifestyle, which is why I fear I may want to start doing Drag. Should I start doing Drag?!

–Will Trez

Dear Will,

First off, damn my fans are old! Second, do not – I repeat – DO NOT start doing Drag (although I appreciate that you capitalized it). After reading your letter and carefully considering your situation I have come to the conclusion that your best bet is to join a cult.


Dear Dr. Jackie,

What is your advice to someone who is afraid to talk about their mental health because they don’t want to feel like a burden to their doctor?

–Will Goding

Dear Will,

You sound like a very caring and sensitive person. Thank you for not bringing me down by telling me all of your stupid depressing problems like all my other patients do. They are so selfish and so needy. Oh, and I will email you a bill for this session.


Dear Dr. Jackie,

What is the correct way to deal with some nasty man who is dropping ass-bombs on the bus during the entire trip across town?

–Hunter Boyle

Dear Hunter,

This sounds more like a social etiquette situation than a mental health question, but I’m a people person so I’ll give it my best try… So by “ass-bomb” am I to assume you mean the gentleman in question is relieving himself of intestinal gas through his anus? If so, that is indeed unacceptable. But! If you stand back and look at this toxic situation I think you will discover that you and this wind-breaking weirdo may actually have quite a bit in common. You are both riding the bus so you are both clearly poor. Perhaps this flatulent freak is in fact even poorer than you and can only afford to eat beans? Right about now your anger and outrage should be transforming itself into pity and compassion. Every time you get a nose-full of this wretched soul’s malevolent methane, just thank your chosen higher power that you at least have enough money to eat from the Jack In The Box dollar menu and, as a result, you don’t have a belly full of fermenting frijoles. Or you could go back to school, get a degree, get a better job and buy a car and stop taking the bus.


Dear Dr. Jackie,

I have a complaint to make. The pandemic was crazy, chaotic and horrible for all of us. But the one silver lining I did manage to find was that, since everyone stayed 6 feet or more away from me, people finally started calling me pretty instead of hideous. I never realized that all it took was at least six feet of social distance for the world to see my drop-dead gorgeous, larger-than-life beauty. But now that the pandemic is waning and things are steadily returning to normal, I find that people are, once again, getting too close and seeing my crater-marked skin and the quarter-inch over-lining on my otherwise completely natural lips. Oh Dr. Jackie, what should I do? Buy a cattle prod maybe? I’m just a mess and I don’t want to go back to being ugly in the eyes of the people!

–Don’t Do It Denise

Dear Don’t Do It,

As amusing as your letter may be, I feel the need to remind you that this is a mental health oriented advice column, not open mic night in a dive bar in the worst part of town. Having said that, I feel for your predicament. Just as “absence makes the heart grown fonder,” “distance makes the face seem softer.” Although the use of a cattle prod may indeed prove to be effective, I would fear subsequent lawsuits. So I will simply suggest you stop showering and maintaining even the most basic human hygiene. Trust me, people will stay at least 6 feet away from you and you will once again look stunning.


Dear Dr. Jackie,

I’m a 43 year-old Gay entertainer, but I don’t do drag and I do eat carbs. How can I get people to pay attention to me?

–James Bradford

Dear James,

Lose weight and start cross-dressing, silly!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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